On Forgiving and Letting Go

I did something sordidly jolly today.

Haha I sent out a message to the guys whom I've been with for the past year and a half. Some personal, others whom I can't reach on a personal level, through my general status on Facebook. Droll, I know, but it did the job.

Why? Because for the past years, I've been holding on to pains that I have gotten for the past 4 years of my life. Ever since my first heart break.

I remember the pain very well like it was yesterday. And the sad part is, every time I get to like someone, or I go out with someone, I always use that pain, masking it as a lesson, as an excuse to not be with that guy. It has become my defense mechanism. I really never let it go.. well up until this afternoon.

I like someone, and his life is most unconventional. To cut things short, the vicious cycle has once again turned its wheels in my life, and I had resolved to end it with this one.

I realized that I have become my own undoing. Every time I get involved with people, I always use that pain as a masquerade to protect myself from some issues of the past. But the past is there, always to remind us that we are already bearing this scar. The fear of going through that phase is only within our minds, because whatever happens, we know how to deal with that now, and pain is much more subtle, much more controlled unlike before. Its just like surgery, its always the first cuts that is the deepest, and the most painful. The rest may be stingy, but its bearable.

Sadly, whilst I was busy protecting myself from emotional harm, I hurt people too. And even when I resorted to more.. uh.. unconventional ways to meet guys (READ: GRINDR), it too yielded the same results.

Problem is that I always asked people to take care of my broken heart. I ask them to fix it for me, but all the while, the person who should be fixing it, is me. So instead of my heart being fixed, I break it, or somebody does break it, and I allow that to happen. I did nothing by myself to fix it. I whine, I rant, I cry, I go back to the past, but I didn't do anything to resolve it. It's just there, broken.

Bottomline, Not only did I not really learn my lesson, I haven't learned anything at all, I just kept repeating the same thing, over and over and over, exasperating myself.

So now, I did just that, I talked to them, most of them, and told them my apologies and wished them well. One replied, I don't know about the others but hey, important thing is I have acknowledged to myself that I am at fault, and I am taking charge of fixing what is needed to be fixed.

I'm starting to put the pieces back, slowly... but i'll get there :)

So that in the end, maybe when the next person comes along, I can give him a heart thats pure and whole again :)

Cheers.
xoxo
K