Current Read: Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

Indeed, I feel for Anna.

*sigh*

"First" Post.. Kalurkey!

Because I said no more dramas.

I digress (LOL)

Now I don't have a thing to write!

How's the weather?

Kidding.

Anyway, ever wonder why straight guys love to say gay stuff like "chaka", "chorva", "chennes" and the most used of it all..

"Kalurkey"

Kalurkey! Joke. Seriously, don't they know the repurcussions of that?!

Well, repurcussions from me at least.

Like one time i just finished a class with my friends. I was returning the mike belt that i borrowed to the manager and he was discussing something with my friend when in midsentence he said..

"Kalurkey cya..."

.... Seriously, i wanted to do something that wouldve earned me a punch right in the kisser, on top of the fact that i will lose my job lol.

Can you blame me?! Crush ko siya! He's soo mabait eh..

Lol nice weekend na nga lang. I shall ponder on this over the weekend

Cheers! Xoxo
K

On Forgiving and Letting Go

I did something sordidly jolly today.

Haha I sent out a message to the guys whom I've been with for the past year and a half. Some personal, others whom I can't reach on a personal level, through my general status on Facebook. Droll, I know, but it did the job.

Why? Because for the past years, I've been holding on to pains that I have gotten for the past 4 years of my life. Ever since my first heart break.

I remember the pain very well like it was yesterday. And the sad part is, every time I get to like someone, or I go out with someone, I always use that pain, masking it as a lesson, as an excuse to not be with that guy. It has become my defense mechanism. I really never let it go.. well up until this afternoon.

I like someone, and his life is most unconventional. To cut things short, the vicious cycle has once again turned its wheels in my life, and I had resolved to end it with this one.

I realized that I have become my own undoing. Every time I get involved with people, I always use that pain as a masquerade to protect myself from some issues of the past. But the past is there, always to remind us that we are already bearing this scar. The fear of going through that phase is only within our minds, because whatever happens, we know how to deal with that now, and pain is much more subtle, much more controlled unlike before. Its just like surgery, its always the first cuts that is the deepest, and the most painful. The rest may be stingy, but its bearable.

Sadly, whilst I was busy protecting myself from emotional harm, I hurt people too. And even when I resorted to more.. uh.. unconventional ways to meet guys (READ: GRINDR), it too yielded the same results.

Problem is that I always asked people to take care of my broken heart. I ask them to fix it for me, but all the while, the person who should be fixing it, is me. So instead of my heart being fixed, I break it, or somebody does break it, and I allow that to happen. I did nothing by myself to fix it. I whine, I rant, I cry, I go back to the past, but I didn't do anything to resolve it. It's just there, broken.

Bottomline, Not only did I not really learn my lesson, I haven't learned anything at all, I just kept repeating the same thing, over and over and over, exasperating myself.

So now, I did just that, I talked to them, most of them, and told them my apologies and wished them well. One replied, I don't know about the others but hey, important thing is I have acknowledged to myself that I am at fault, and I am taking charge of fixing what is needed to be fixed.

I'm starting to put the pieces back, slowly... but i'll get there :)

So that in the end, maybe when the next person comes along, I can give him a heart thats pure and whole again :)

Cheers.
xoxo
K

2 years since. Inch by inch

Oh wow, so its been two years since my last post! What happened?

A lot. Lol

Looking back from those years, i'd say from a perspective a lot did change. I have tried a lot of things and did some stuff here and there. I took leaps and made boundaries, but beneath all that is a child learning still.

So now I'm focused on my schooling and work and gym (of course) more than the affairs of my heart. Lol. From the two years since, i've grown to learn how to control my emotions, how to say "no" and how to choose wisely on decisions that I have to make in the course of the days.

So im still growing.. Inch by inch.. One day at a time :)

Cheers :)
K

rants, rants and more ruminations II

I have to guys.. the left and the right

So sue me.. I'm beautiful

Over all this hooplah.. there's a clicker hovering over everything

I'm just jaded.

And over all that, I like them both.

The Anatomy of the Jade... and the Player

Ever wondered why players play with others? or why jaded are always that...jaded.. they just date around but never was to commit?

In my claim, the Jade, the Hopeless Romantics and the Players all come in full circle. One transforms to the other, all in once full circle.

See, it goes like this.

Three things on a hopeless romantic gay guy's list:
1. A castle (Neo-medieval)
2. A Handsome Prince
3. Happily Ever After

Then again, anyone who'd wish for these and seriously (READ:DEAD SERIOUS) considering having these in their lives... are nonetheless called NAIVE



Gads...

being the naivette that they are, these "haplings" would soon lose the little ray of sunshine hope that they have over these romanticisms and fairy tale fantasies... that is when they get in on relationships.

You see, hopeless gullib.. er.. romantics are often "engrossed" (READ: BLIND) in their relationships that they would either a. jump into a relationship as soon as they see someone who loves them b. think that the one they have now is the one for keeps and c. make every effort to make that relationship work. So much emotions are invested in this that most, if not, at every opportunity, this is taken advantaged by no other than the hapless saps who usually play the game.

On the other hand, Players, are the often, jaded people who have "realized" (Concluded) that love, in this neo-societal world of PLU is nothing more than just socials, sex and games. They often prey on the young, the handsome, the rich (hmm) and "play and prounce" around until they find a better ship to jump into. Why? because they've learned well enough from reason and experience that love is BUT a game. period.

Put them all together and we come up with this:

Hopeless Romantic (HR) + Player (P) = Relationship (True love.. ech.. for HR)

P + New Guy = - HR (A very heart broken HR)

and the cycle goes on and on (With roles interchanging.. case to case)

HR then goes around and does it again and again... until it's enough for him to throw away his romanticisms and fairy tale fallacies... to which his transformation to a jade becomes complete.

He then has a choice..

to become jaded,

to stay a hopeless romantic, albeit guarded

or to become a player..

such is the anatomy of the jade.. and the player.

But then, a jade or a player, meets his supposedly "better half"

he then starts to buckle down, gets serious, stops dating and sleeping around, transforms into this "Olympian God-like" creature for their significant other. They often discords their past, telling everyone that they are "ready to settle" (READ: gasgas) and are tired of playing around (READ AGAIN: Yeah right). So much so that their emotions are in place that we can only hope Tita Carmi Martin doesn't come knockin on their door..

Then it all goes down to that equation... again..

it all just comes in full circle *sigh*

pictures came from here and here

rants rants and more ruminations

So much for a restful saturday...

I woke up to an empty table, not feeling very domestic today (READ: TAMAD), The food I had set aside for my lunch today was gone. Apparently, the maid thought it would be jollier for her to make it HER lunch... A fight ensues between the mother and the son...

I kinda like this one guy... he's cute, dashing (READ:HOT) intelligent (ata).. but he seems to have no penchant for constant communication... I'm giving him a week then it's off to bye bye land for him. Kunsabagay we met in the most unconventional of ways...

I digress..

I kinda like this doctor guy from the gym. He was a model. period.

I can't wait to start my muay thai training and dance... but considering that I have an event on tuesday, and how my day started, I'm thinking of skipping it... lest I want to have another injury episode at Makati Med.

I have a dance event on tuesday, which I had prepared all agog for... Tickets, Half day VL... and not to mention suits all packed since last saturday (gotta be hot!)

I think I just overcharged my cards again... damn you Zara! and your little dog too..

I hate my mom's maid. period. I shall banish her to the hells of flame for all eternity.

I'm due for a brow grooming. (A unibrow doesn't go well with me)

I hope cutie doc's at the gym later... hehehe